A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.