A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Jogging
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I was just discussing this with my cat
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.