A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears