@HousewifeOfHell: A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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@cromp_daddy: man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it's expired woman: don't condoms take like 5 years to expire? man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
@jordan_stratton: [job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.
@BritXNic: Don't mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
@timdonakowski: Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.