@HousewifeOfHell: A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
@TheSadnesses: [elevator] “Wanna buy a spoon?” Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes.
@slaughthie: My coworker was like "I love kids! Can't finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!" And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
@addmoreninjas: That's nice that you're a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?