All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.