A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.