A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff