[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Beware of the dog..
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.