A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Something Saturday.