A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
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Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Breaking news:
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal