*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”