A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.