A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
You Might Also Like
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.