‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations