‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.