PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
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Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
moms in horror movies
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
So sick of all these stupid rules
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…