@mjkspeaks: a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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@BlindChow: COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
@MyPornKhan: When folks unfollow me shortly after they've followed me I just figure they sobered up.
@TheCiscoKidder: I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.