@mjkspeaks: a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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@KylePlantEmoji: Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
@online_shawn: Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.