a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
You Might Also Like
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
😂😂😂
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.