A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Its a hippotatomus
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt