It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
You Might Also Like
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.