Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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Word!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Pizza is an emotion right?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box