a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?