a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
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Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”