A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
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It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment