@Storminika: A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'
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@Notawhiner: Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her "good morning solar eclipse" Yeah, don't do that.
@IvoryGazelle: My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
@BGH70: The company hates when I helicopter into work. It's always, "zip up your pants and go see HR now!"
@Phook75: "You'll be visited by 3 ghosts." "Will they show me the true spirit of Christmas?" "No, they'll try to eat you." Pac-Man Christmas Carol