@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
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@stuckinaportal: regrets? [thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations] yeah i've got regrets
@BuckyIsotope: Did you know we only use 10% of our brains? "Actually that's a myth-" This part is useless *stabs fork in head* See? Now florble arble guh
@Smooheed: When anyone says they've embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think 'that kind of limit sounds nice'
@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.