@Jacob_Swift16: A cop just told me that i have way too many buddha statues for there to not be drugs in the house
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@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
@cbdoubleu: "Are you seeing anyone?" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends.