A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.