They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
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Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
i’m still crying at this
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.