*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Mornin. * use accordingly
good for her