A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I’m awake but I object,
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt