@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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@CanadianCyn: If I'm old enough to be your mother we can't date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments. Me: Yes, but do go on...
@MatCro: ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home] GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE? E: Honey, we've talked about this. GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?
@shopkins776: I took two years of anger management courses Now I'm the manager of four brand new anger stores