@KyleMcDowell86: A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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@Traceylei2: You know those orange cones they put on the road for you to knock over? Totally just beat my previous high score.
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything* Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget* 3: THAT WAS MINE!
@DevilryFun: Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, "Lets find something for mature skin." And then Security had to escort me.