TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
You Might Also Like
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.