@TheTimeIGotHigh: "A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana... i said, i smell bacon... yeah i was that high lol"
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@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@ShittyComedian: Don't you hate it when you're so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
@robfee: If Lebron's so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.
@Sickayduh: "We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you're gonna be the one to do it" "I...uhhh... Wha?" "Nailed it. Next state."