@TheTimeIGotHigh: "A cop pulled me over came up to the window and said, i smell marijuana... i said, i smell bacon... yeah i was that high lol"
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@tastefactory: Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security? "The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out"
@texasstalkermom: I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don't show up there.
@DistractedMomma: My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.