Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
You Might Also Like
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.