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@LionJenkins: A cop that contemplates his existence:
@seanyeatts: My parents just googled me and now they're crying
@WilliamAder: We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.
@KalvinMacleod: Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
@GreenishDuck: When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
@QwertyJones3: People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.