With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
That’s incredible! 👌
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.