A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
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I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.