A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Great game to play with friends
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Single and childfree like Jesus
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.