A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
is it earth
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.