baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Some people were born into their job.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
“Sheer Arrogance”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.