A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
so this horse walks into a bar
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.