@MichaelTrying: A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it's my screensaver.
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@TwinSurvivalist: Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they've only known her a couple of minutes.
@SortaBad: Why are you breaking up with me? "You treat your dog like a baby. It's weird" Shh *puts hands over dog's ears* he's 26 months he understands
@iwearaonesie: If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing