A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
mariah carrie
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋