A couple who are silly together stay together.
You Might Also Like
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Are you a cat person or a person person?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
A fake ID that makes you younger
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.