It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying