@JackieMartling: A couple's having breakfast. He says, "Were you faking it last night?" She says, "No, I was really asleep."
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@skullmandible: nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who's suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
@trojansauce: [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
@ashmensch: Harry: Want to see a magic trick? Voldemort: Let's see what you got Potter. Harry: Got your nose! Voldemort: You know I hate that game.