@JackieMartling: A couple's having breakfast. He says, "Were you faking it last night?" She says, "No, I was really asleep."
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@kellysdf: According to the NSA, most of my calls are me saying, "I forgot what you told me to pick up at the store."
@karencheee: Marrying my gay friend bc it's important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
@Fred_Delicious: "guns don't kill people, guns CREATE people!" *fires 10 newborn babies out of a bazooka*
@TheSadnesses: [first date] “So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.” [my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]