Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
What is going on? 😅
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
sigh