A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?