A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee