@OhNoSheTwitnt: A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET'S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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@certifiable_end: My imagination ran away with me, but we're both out of shape and didn't get very far.
@MarfSalvador: [Surprise party for girlfriend] Me: *Leading her in blindfolded* GF: Shouldn't I be wearing that?
@EJGomez: if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90's kids just yell out "in west Philadelphia born & raised" then u got like 2 min to run
@Beer4AGoodTime: I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive, "Hi".