A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I have two kinds of followers
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
two people or more is called a problem
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠