A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
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Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.