@envydatropic: A coworker just asked if I had any "mouth water" and I am thoroughly confused by this
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@GuyThe_Guy: My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she's off balance.
@TheHyyyype: WIFE: what the hell happened here? ME: i broke an egg [earlier] ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
@silvertongue37: My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems. Apparently not far enough.
@djdarrellripley: Her: Oh, you brought me flowers! Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard...