@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
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@Snarfernini: If you ever say 'I seen' in a sentence. I will never sleep with you. Under any circumstances. Ever.* *including zombie apocalypse
@MikeDrucker: I don't understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it's all just bullsh - HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
@NathanBgood: Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I've killed, I don't say, "in RuneScape."