@OhNoSheTwitnt: A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.
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@TheSharona06: I'm amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
@david8hughes: [watches you eat my bday cake] "I've poisoned that." "Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?" [leans in & winks] "Poison."
@SufficientCharm: My man wants me to understand him better so I'm not getting my mustache waxed this month.