A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My safe word is Worcestershire
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO