A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.