A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
You Might Also Like
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Wake me when AI does housework
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
How dramatic are you?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.