A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.