I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger